Draft scripts and feedback
Before finalising on our script and carrying on for the rest of the pre-production we organised as a group to have a meeting with our teacher and Becky Knapp. Becky Knapp is well known for her short films. Below is a link to show some details about Becky and her experience:
Biography - Rebecca Knapp
As a group we found it best to ask for Becky's opinion on our script because we felt that her previous experience in short films including On Life's Edge would be useful as she would be able to analyse our script and plot line from a professional and experienced point of view. I also feel that Becky was a good person to give our group feedback as she has directed her own short films and will therefore be able to give us an idea as to whether the script and narrative produced will be able to be made into a short film.
Script- Draft 1
After giving our script to various people familiar with the film industry we looked to seek advice for feedback which would help us to improve. After a first glance of the script they believed we would need a title page which clearly stated the name of our film on the front, the draft number of our script to help us quickly distinguish our newest draft and to enhance this we will also need the date and day in which the script was created. We will also to finish need contact details, firstly because this is how a script should look but also because if anyone needs to get in contact with us they will be able to do so. Also after a quick glance over our script they immediately saw that it was in the wrong format, the font should be twelve point courier and at the beginning of each scene we need the scene number, exterior/interior location and time of day. The dialogue must be centred and characters names do not need to be in capital letters throughout the whole script, just on their first mention. They felt the length of our script was fine as in the media industry they base the length on a page a minute so overall our short film should be around seven minutes. They also felt we needed less actors directions, the actions need to be in brackets, the script should be about showing not telling. Finally they said that on a first introduction we need a brief description of our characters including their age and who they are.
When actually looking at the context and plot of our film, they felt that in the scenes when using a mobile phone we could experiment more with the camera shots, sizes and angles. Our initial idea was to have a shot of the phone screen so the audience can read the text for themselves as well James. They also felt we needed to build up our characters personality, especially our main charcter and protagonist, James. They felt we could either do this by using other characters for example after the game John could say 'well done for saving that' or we could do this by developing his character, making him into a really nice guy, helping others, for example opening the door. The choice to make him into a nice guy also helps to enhance the selfish side to Roxanne making the audience at the end of the film happy that the gay couple are together.
To create the development of the characters there needed to be something more at stake between James and Ashley, the ideas we had for this was that maybe they are or were best friends as this explains the tension between them and helps to disguise the ending to the audience. We want our audience to be left shocked and suprised at the end of our film and both thought to do this we will need to rethink our title as 'concealed' is to obvious, the suggestion they had was maybe 'popular'. When looking at our script they also commented on the location, they suggested that we make it into a university as homosexuality is accepted more, to add they said we should look at specific locations that don't look like a school, for example the short film, Job. They also questionned the reasons why French New Wave would be good for our story and why should it be used.
Script Draft 2
Scroll down on link to find script
Group improvements after receiving feedback
After commenting and looking back at our feeback, we had a group discussion on the improvements we could make to our film. We started on the subject of the location as a group we thought it was more acceptable to be homosexual in a university than in a school as within a school you will get more snide comments and the brutality of school children. If we have our film set in a college or university there will be no use of school children or we will need to film when there are no school children around to keep in the style of Jon Luke Goddard. As a group we agreed that we need to build up James' character, create a connection with him and the audience. To do this we thought we could enhance James' character to be a nice, kind and helpful character, for example opening the door for others. We could also make James quite an emotional character so the audience will sympathise with him by when he recieves the last text we could see him crying, wiping a tear or kicking a flower in frustration. He could also maybe send a text saying 'sorry'.
When re-analysing our characters we felt we needed to make Roxanne disliked by the audience and James liked to do this we could chage scene 2, James and Roxanne will still walk out the doors however Roxanne will bump into a small child holding some books who will look small, fragile and weak, he will then drop all of his books on the floor, Roxanne will walk away not caring however James will help the little boy pick them all up. This will make the character of James seem nice, considerate and helpful to others. By putting in the line 'Come and see me later' Roxanne to the audience puts across the image that she is self-centered and when James looks upset, she doesn't ask what is wrong she is just silent and to enforce this the camera will focus on her dialogue 'anyway'. As a group we are making the character of Roxanne disliked because at the end when we see James reveal his sexuality we want it to be seen as a good thing so being gay is seen to be positive and ok and therefore don't want Roxanne to be considered the victim. To enforce the fact that at the end scene we are happy that Ashley and James are now together we needed to make Ashley's character like by the audience and to to do this we needed to build his character. To begin this we focused on the football scene where we will reveal that James and Ashley used to be friends. This shows to the audience the reason for the tension between Ashley and James and that they 'used' to talk to each other. We will do this by either using the character of Roxanne or the football friends who will comment on the relationship between them and there past relationship. We will also build up character in the fight scene. In this scene we will establish that James is a moral character as he disagrees with the fight saying 'it's not right' and wincing. We will also develop the fact Roxanne is selfish character by her believing Ashley being beaten up is acceptable she looks and is not bothered about it at all showing she has no emotion or care for anyone but herself. Character and character relationships will be built when we see James and Ashley spend a brief moment together. James will walk along and Ashley will walk past we will have a short shot of them aknowledging each other. James will be deep in thought when seeing Ashley and will bump into someone, this person will be fine with this, 'oh you alright James'. Ashley may then bump into someone and be very apologetic, this person will not respond well. By doing this we will be showing the audience that James is a popular, liked character whereas Ashley is not because we have established his sexuality. James will stand up for Ashley and the person will stop because of James' high status.
Group improvements after receiving feedback
After commenting and looking back at our feeback, we had a group discussion on the improvements we could make to our film. We started on the subject of the location as a group we thought it was more acceptable to be homosexual in a university than in a school as within a school you will get more snide comments and the brutality of school children. If we have our film set in a college or university there will be no use of school children or we will need to film when there are no school children around to keep in the style of Jon Luke Goddard. As a group we agreed that we need to build up James' character, create a connection with him and the audience. To do this we thought we could enhance James' character to be a nice, kind and helpful character, for example opening the door for others. We could also make James quite an emotional character so the audience will sympathise with him by when he recieves the last text we could see him crying, wiping a tear or kicking a flower in frustration. He could also maybe send a text saying 'sorry'.
When re-analysing our characters we felt we needed to make Roxanne disliked by the audience and James liked to do this we could chage scene 2, James and Roxanne will still walk out the doors however Roxanne will bump into a small child holding some books who will look small, fragile and weak, he will then drop all of his books on the floor, Roxanne will walk away not caring however James will help the little boy pick them all up. This will make the character of James seem nice, considerate and helpful to others. By putting in the line 'Come and see me later' Roxanne to the audience puts across the image that she is self-centered and when James looks upset, she doesn't ask what is wrong she is just silent and to enforce this the camera will focus on her dialogue 'anyway'. As a group we are making the character of Roxanne disliked because at the end when we see James reveal his sexuality we want it to be seen as a good thing so being gay is seen to be positive and ok and therefore don't want Roxanne to be considered the victim. To enforce the fact that at the end scene we are happy that Ashley and James are now together we needed to make Ashley's character like by the audience and to to do this we needed to build his character. To begin this we focused on the football scene where we will reveal that James and Ashley used to be friends. This shows to the audience the reason for the tension between Ashley and James and that they 'used' to talk to each other. We will do this by either using the character of Roxanne or the football friends who will comment on the relationship between them and there past relationship. We will also build up character in the fight scene. In this scene we will establish that James is a moral character as he disagrees with the fight saying 'it's not right' and wincing. We will also develop the fact Roxanne is selfish character by her believing Ashley being beaten up is acceptable she looks and is not bothered about it at all showing she has no emotion or care for anyone but herself. Character and character relationships will be built when we see James and Ashley spend a brief moment together. James will walk along and Ashley will walk past we will have a short shot of them aknowledging each other. James will be deep in thought when seeing Ashley and will bump into someone, this person will be fine with this, 'oh you alright James'. Ashley may then bump into someone and be very apologetic, this person will not respond well. By doing this we will be showing the audience that James is a popular, liked character whereas Ashley is not because we have established his sexuality. James will stand up for Ashley and the person will stop because of James' high status.
We also agreed that we may need a change in title because 'concealed' could be seen as too revealing and may give away the plot to our film. We agreed on either 'Popular' or 'Status' as these are less revealing of James' sexuality and reflects the fact that James' popularity is what will be at stake.
We also felt that if we wanted to use Goddard's French new Wave style within our film we would need evidence to show why. To begin with we don't want to emulate the French New Wave style, just use specific elements of it. We are also using this style because we want to make our film look as natural as possible and this style will help us to do this through elements like natural lighting, this will also help us to steer away from making a generic type of film. One of the elements of French New Wave we could use is to drop the sound as they will help to highten emotion and create tension between characters.
Teacher feedback
After making the changes from our feedback with Becky Knapp, our group then had another discussion about our new and improved script and plot line with our teacher. The main issue we had with our script was the continuity, we felt that the change between scenes almost didn't flow and some character actions can in some ways be confusing to the audience. An example of this was when the character of Ashley originally came back to the same place that he had already just been beaten up at which in your human nature you wouldn't do. We also scrapped one of our scenes as we felt that the idea of kicking some pink flowers would be difficult mainly because we don't have any on location and we didn't want to find some others and plant them there because we felt that this would look artificial. We therefore decided that we didn't want to completely scrap this scene but replace it with the same content but more believable and less artificial so we therefore replaced it with a car scene which still has the text messages and the main point to the scene but it now looks less artifical and 'fake'.
Teacher feedback
After making the changes from our feedback with Becky Knapp, our group then had another discussion about our new and improved script and plot line with our teacher. The main issue we had with our script was the continuity, we felt that the change between scenes almost didn't flow and some character actions can in some ways be confusing to the audience. An example of this was when the character of Ashley originally came back to the same place that he had already just been beaten up at which in your human nature you wouldn't do. We also scrapped one of our scenes as we felt that the idea of kicking some pink flowers would be difficult mainly because we don't have any on location and we didn't want to find some others and plant them there because we felt that this would look artificial. We therefore decided that we didn't want to completely scrap this scene but replace it with the same content but more believable and less artificial so we therefore replaced it with a car scene which still has the text messages and the main point to the scene but it now looks less artifical and 'fake'.
State who that it was Becky Knapp and site her experience otherwise it brings into question if you did actually get feedback from industry etc.
ReplyDeleteSpelling of "receiving"
Can you remember any further conversations we had about the script after this point? (Teacher feedback)You've made a lot of decisions in the absence of others so a second reflection back on changes would be important.
I'm also not fully convinced of the influences tags in this post... especially as you don't/didn't have plans to freese frame from my memory,.. more to drop the sound out????